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I am extraordinarily conflicted, but it's complicated. I don't quite know what to do or what to say or how to do anything other than chew at myself. I know it's got to come from the inside out but it's the outside that I want to hack away at. Damn process.

The worst thing is I can't talk about it. This isn't a cry for help, this is a genuine puzzlement. Maybe it would seem less like a cry for help if I outlined some details, but I don't have the strength at this time of night. In all honesty, I'm only awake because Mike's birthday is in 6 minutes.

I'll work it all out in the morning. I'll put down the fork and pick up the knife and carve out an existence for myself and it won't be perfect but it'll be mine, and that has to be good enough.